The unraveling of things, part dos.

Rereading my last post, it’s weird how events from so many weeks that seem to drag out forever in real life are summed up in just a few paragraphs. I can assure you it wasn’t all that simple as it reads, a multitude of turmoil and confused emotions and ever-changing states along the way. I know I post most anecdotes on Facebook instead of writing it out here, but not about this, so you’ll just have to trust me on this one. Anyway, getting back to more recent events – I might add that I’m writing this from a tired, somewhat blue state on a Friday afternoon, which doesn’t do justice to the otherwise joyous occasion of the topic.

I met someone.

There, I said it. My job was sucking, my family was a work in progress, my relationship was essentially over, and then I met someone. By accident, of course. In the process of feeling free and single and ready to mingle, I went out to dance with some friends, with the firm intention in the back of my mind to have fun. And by that I mean fun, insert innuendo here. It was an evening of two clubs, one entrance fee and much rock. Mucho gusto. All my friends except one had turned me down, and the friend who was left had her own crowd. Introvert that I am, I didn’t put in much effort to get to know the other people. I was there to dance, drink, and dance some more (and consequently drink some more).

The first club was empty, but the music was ok, long lost indie-tunes of yore that reminded me of a wild summer when I would go out 2-3 times a week. That is where I learned to dance to the music, regardless of how many (or in this instance, few) people were there dancing with me. Still, after a while the others wanted to head over to the second club, which was in fact much better and totally packed. So the others went to give away their coats, I was still hanging on to the illusion I would find a corner to stuff mine in. As it became evident that that wouldn’t happen, I headed back up with one of the others who might have thought the same. Or might have been waiting for me, I’ll never know. Standing in line we talked and I was actually being friendly. The guy was funny, in fact, and quite charming and pretty tall and very confident (in a healthy, non-arrogant way). Talking turned into flirting, turned into buying drinks, turned into friends saying “I saw how he’s looking at you!”, turned into the friends staring when he put his arm around me, turned into dancing together and forgetting the others, turned into him kissing me. All this interspersed with flirting on the dance floor, very funny remarks, an imitation of Axl Rose and more drinks bought. In the end, most had left and I hadn’t noticed, until the hard-core rest, at about 5am, asked: “So, are you going to his place or yours?”. That’s the kind of friends I have.

The next morning – I’m skipping a bit here, because like Ross said on Friends: I’m not one to kiss and tell, but I’m not one to have sex and shut up about it either – we had originally planned to have brunch and then go walking in the forest along the river. His idea, not mine. How cute! Problem was, I had drank mulled wine, bad red wine, absinth, caipirinha and god knows what else. My stomach was not on it’s best behavior. And maybe it was a pinch of psychosomatic in there, seeing that I wasn’t 100% officially single… yet. So I called it off, sent him home after tea, and thought that would be that. Later that day, he asked if we wanted to meet up during the week. I thought, no harm in making new friends. Boy was I wrong. It was not planned for me to like him this much, and it all took a turn for the “You’re so screwed!” after that following Tuesday. I can see the rest of the story requires more posts, so I’ll only say this much: he had planned to take a world tour for a year, starting January 11th. And I knew this all along.

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!

Why the tale of my totally awesome trip will not be told

Wow, it’s been a while again, huh? Happy new years! Stuff has been happening over here.

When I came back from my trip to the east coast, it changed things. I was starting to get a better understanding of myself, rekindling with lost parts. A whole identity crisis, if you will (I discovered that in the seminar we had about crisis…). Along with all the other emotionally charged seminars we had this semester, stuff was in turmoil. I switched to half time at my job at the hospital, to make more time for my ambulant patients. That wasn’t going smoothly either, seeing that my team would’t back me up in the transition and, on the contrary, starting telling me I wasn’t doing good therapy and getting all up in my business. And I had no idea what I was doing with the ambulants.

The BF starting unravelling he had been feeling “unsatisfied” for some time, we kept arguing, he said his feelings were diminished. With many backs and forths and rattling of our already over-worked brains we tried different possible solutions and were failing. Long story short, come december the person now formerly known as The BF and I split. It is supposed to be temporary, we want to meet up again in march, but it doesn’t look like this is going anywhere. It was a very rough couple of weeks / months for me, and after a very hard first week after the breakup I am feeling surprisingly freed and lighter. Seeing that he was pretty much annoyed with everything I said or did in the end, I’m supposing he feels the same way.

Oh, and I forgot to say – while this was all going on – I had my dysfunctional family to face. Since, originally, The F(ormer)BF and I planned to spend christmas together, away from our families, I had to announce this to them sometime. Which I did. Which led to a discussion about why I didn’t feel comfortable at home, a conversation I have been avoiding for a very long time. Thinking I wasn’t going to see them for a long time, I decided to drive to France for Halloween to clarify things. It was hard – for me to say just as much as for them to hear – but I think it was helpful. After all, christmas went much better than last year and I even survived having my sisters come back with me for new years.

So here we are, the new year. A fresh start. I feel great. I chucked my old laptop and bought my very first mac. I am sorting out old files, I am also rebooting myself. Spending time with myself, taking care of myself, getting to know myself, relying on friends, meeting new people. Yes – new people. Already… There’s more to that coming.

To quote Gladiator: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?

Crush

I don’t know why I’m only now noticing Ryan Gosling. While in the states, The BF and I went to go see “Crazy Stupid Love” at the movies, Steve Carell funny as always. Then there were commercials for “The Ides of March” and “Drive” and I kept thinking: is that that same guy from the other movie? Where have I heard of him before? Now I remember: here.

And I don’t remember what it was, oh, wait. Yes I do. It was this clip of Ryan Gosling feeding an apple to his dog when I remembered how I used to really dislike Ryan Gosling, not for any particular reason, only that people (little girls) kept raving about “The Notebook” and I most certainly was not going to see “The Notebook” until I finally gave in and saw “The Notebook” and HOLY SHIT, I LOOOOOOOVE RYAN GOSLING.

That kissing scene in the rain. You cannot finish watching that movie with your virginity intact. Not possible.

Almost all of the work he has done since “The Notebook” has deepened that love. He’s hot, pure sex even, but he’s also… strange. Sometimes he looks like his great grandfather from Hoboken dressed him, but he doesn’t care. And it’s that not caring that takes him from no where near my list to the top spot.

For those of you who don’t know, Hoboken is in New Jersey and pretty much NJ’s closest point to Manhattan. And yes, it has the word Hobo in it. That’s just NJ’s weird names for ya. But I totally agree. I love his phony accent. I love his abs.

Seriously, those scenes in Crazy Stupid Love he did with Emma Stone – better than porn.

I love his edge, his authenticity and simplicity, and his choice in movies, which are getting better and better (The Notebook is not my style, too gushy mushy. But Drive has a Mustang in it, so I’m all: check!). I added pretty much all his movies – including The Notebook, I’ll have to see about that – to my IMDb Watchlist. And now he is on the top of my top 5 freebie list.

Ryan, dude, if you’re ever in the neighbourhood, you know… call me.