…and then everything went dark

Last Wednesday, the 18th, was a rather eventful day. In the morning The BF had a very important exam, which he aced with the same grade I got the week before. Since a friend of ours went right before him and also got the same very good grade and we have this tradition of eating at a certain restaurant for lunch, we decided to all meet there to celebrate our victories. I wanted to meet up with them on my bike instead of on foot as I usually do – first because I was late, but also because the sun was shining and I felt like riding my bike. I then had to notice that some jerk had slammed his bicycle into mine, because the plastic protection thingy covering the chain was broken into pieces and his pedal was all tangled in it. It was also all covered in rust because it has to stand outside, in the rain. Additionally, my back tire was flat and the front one was missing air as well. I made it to our rendez-vous, but decided to push it back home.

Later that evening, I looked up the opening hours of a bicycle repair shop on the Internet, when my computer went blank. There I was, minding my own business and just surfing around a bit, when it just made a little “pew” and completely shut off. At first I thought it was a bug, until I heard the refrigerator make a weird sound too. And then I noticed that my little desk lamp was off. Apparently, my power had been cut. This wasn’t the first time this happened, so I went to my fuse box and checked if any switches were down – with the help of the light of my cell phone. But my fuses were fine, and the light in the hallway was also missing. I opened the door and tried pushing the button, but nothing happened. Then my neighbor from across (some quite unfriendly young couple) came out and asked if my electricity was out, too. It seemed like the whole building was out.

I heard voices coming up from downstairs (there’s a marketing consultant agency and a school book store on the first floor), so I guessed someone had alerted the landlord. I went back inside and tried to figure out a way to entertain myself. The computer was now out of the question, even though I had a list of things I wanted to get done on there, and the TV wasn’t an option either – the two things I spend most of my free time with… Except for reading. The problem here was that it was getting dark (after six) and I didn’t feel like holding paper near a flame was a good idea. I had managed to find some candles and light them by then. Which reminds me: even if you don’t think you need them, it’s a good idea to always have some big open candles or candlesticks stashed away somewhere. If only for the purpose of creating a romantic atmosphere.

Last option: eat. It was late enough anyway, and I was getting hungry, so why not. I’ll tell you why not. Because in our day and age, there is no way to make food without electricity. I had left-overs, but couldn’t heat them in the microwave. I couldn’t cook, because I have a ceramic stove top. Even my water boiler needs power. Have you ever noticed how dependant we are on electricity? It’s everywhere! Lucky for me, entertainment was on it’s way. I heard sirens outside – and although they pass through here often, I had a hunch these were meant for us. I put on a coat and went out onto my balcony. Sure enough, three fire trucks and two police cars were parked out front. That’s when I noticed: it wasn’t just my building, it was the one on the other side of the street, too. And the street lamps, and the traffic lights. Two whole blocks were without any electricity. Except for the bank, of course, because they must have a back-up generator somewhere. So there I stood as I watched the firemen come and go (no smoke though), the policemen manage the traffic, an ambulance pull up and leave again.

This went on for an hour and a half. I was just standing there with nothing to do, calling The BF everytime some other event went on outside. Luckily he came up with the idea of going to the movies, so that I had something to do and would get my mind off this feeling of being completely shut out. I was worried about the food in my fridge, but he said we could check back when the movie was done and eventually haul everything to his place if we needed to. And just as I was ready to go out, the power came back on and everything was back to normal again. We went to go see Frost/Nixon and had a good time. I read the next day that this was all just because of a cable failure.

Oh, and the 18th would have been my fathers 64th birthday, too. Happy birthday!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Ok so I’ve decided to try a new appearance… again. It’s just as clean as the one I had until now, only it finally also has the side widgets. I think the lighter background might make it less gloomy, too. Although I do miss the green header, I guess I’ll have to incorporate more color in my text to spruce it up a bit. But I sure do like the font and how it’s nice and neat. What do you think?

In an absolute quest to who-knows-what exactly

Four score and seven years ago… or, to be more precise, last Thursday… I had the most important exam of all my “career” so far. And since then, I’ve been trying to break out of the space-time-continuum that is the void of prep time. But what happened before the exam isn’t as interesting as what happened after it. It can actually be summed up in one phrase: I ate scraps, slept in regular hours and studied. Everything else went to hell. So once those groundhog days were over, I have been going back and forth between: I have to finally clean up the apartment, I have to take care of overdue paperwork, I have to buy real food, etc. and: screw it, I finally have some free time, let’s sleep in, pig out and watch series all day.

The day of the exam, however, was odd. This crucial turning point was on the one side filled with my own anxiety driven pressure (you better not screw this one up – it’s the most important ever!) and on the other side this weird feeling I’ve never felt before an exam – I’m guessing it was confidence? The last day of studying I had looked over all the monographies again, reread the lecture script, reworked the article I had chosen to present and recited my in-depth topic. Then it was five o’clock in the evening, and I didn’t know what else to do. Dito for the next morning. I wasn’t even my normal, shitty-nervous self, because this was the first time in history of learning that I didn’t have the feeling I should have done more. Because I couldn’t have done more. I had read the entire literature list (something I never usually do), had sit in over a dozen seminars in the course of my studies and actually understood and was interested in what I was learning. Totally weird, right?

So that morning I just sat around waiting – instead of frantically overlooking my documents – and went with a clear head to the university. The secretary had written an email the week before asking if she could bump up my schedule, which was a good thing because I hate waiting around the morning of an exam. But once I got there, nothing was moving. I stood outside the office for 35 minutes. That gave me enough time to go over the options: either I was tricking myself and should be nervous, because otherwise I’ll just think everything’s going fine until I fall flat on my face (which is what happened the first time I failed an exam), or I actually knew what I was doing and had every right to be confident. I wasn’t really trusting that last thought. But finally, at some point, it was my turn, and then the automatic brain kicked in. I sat there with crossed arms (I think it’s comfortable, but I am aware now that it probably looked grumpy) and just spew out one answer after the other. The presentation of the article, which should have filled 10 minutes, went into a 45 minute debate, going even into the newest research findings. The general questions that followed breached everything from manic disorder, neurotransmitter systems and epilepsy to virtual reality therapy techniques, the social bonding theory and what self-esteem has to do with the limbic system. I ruled. I nailed it. I got the best grade I ever had.

And yet I feel like I’m bragging and being obnoxious and since I hate those feelings I even have a hard time writing those thoughts. Even though many friends congratulated me afterwards and said I deserved it, I was able to feel proud for about a day before my guilty conscience reared it’s ugly head. When I got out of the exam – first of all, the professor announced my grade in front of several people in the secretary’s office and already I thought that was embarrassing because they might think I was one of those high-and-mighty nerds – but when I walked out to the street and called The BF I felt like Rocky in his famous “eye of the tiger” scene, or like a gorilla pounding on his chest. It felt great, really, and that’s why I posted it on every status of every online community I have. But then I started to rationalize: If I deserved this very good grade this time, didn’t I deserve it the other times? I had worked really hard then, too. But also: how couldn’t it have been such a good grade, since I had done everything possible to get there? See the problem is that I have what is called a depressive attributional style. When something goes well, I automatically assume it’s due to luck (external) on that day (variable) and in that exam (specific). When something goes wrong, I think it’s my own fault (intern) because I’m too dumb (stable) and can’t do anything straight (global).

I really have to work on that, to not put myself down, to find a way to be self-confident without the fear of being arrogant. So that’s why I’d like to follow the example of a good friend of mine (hi Jo!) and strengthen a positive view on things. Jolianna (see blogroll) has started a “things I love thursdays” series. But besides that she is one of the most positive people I know, always having a “glass-half-full” spin on things. Following her lead, I will start a category shortly in which I list things of the past week that made me happy. Stay tuned!