So, how’ve you been?

It may be utopic of me to believe I could once regain the post-output I had some time ago, while I was basically a studying bum, now that I’ve picked up scheduled work. But at least I can tell the tale of how I got here.

On May 8th, 2009, I handed in my diploma thesis. After pushing back this date almost indefinitely, due to lacking participants and other uncalled-for obstacles, I could finally get rid of it. At that point I wanted nothing more than to just put it behind me. After all, I had started working in that project in September of 2007, for crying out loud. And I had never experienced a time more stressful than the one spent on writing the damn thing. It would never be good enough, it could always be improved. But it was just the diploma thesis, for chrissake, not the new essay on nuclear physics up for the nobel prize. Some people just put a questionnaire online, get plenty of participants in little time, write out the results and voila! Done in six months. I am not bitter. Just exhausted. Which would explain why I wanted to make a big whoop out of the day I would finally be done. Written, corrected, formated, printed, handed in. Time to party. I had planned a big gathering on the Rhine bank, ballermann-style, with buckets of alcohol and a general sense of freedom. Instead, we got blocked by a marathon surrounding my apartment (literally) and very iffy weather. I managed to mix some sangria anyway and brought along the long straws, but instead of a debauchery it turned into a couple’s evening. With hors-d’oevres. And half of the people there too concerned with their own problems to be in a party mood. But it was nice anyway. We played a finnish game with wooden sticks in the dark and got to witness a drunken emo kid piss right in the middle of the lawn.

The rest of May and June was spent finishing my internship at the university clinic, in neuropsychology, learning for my upcoming exam and attending job interviews for the therapist-apprenticeship. The internship was ok, it looked good on my resumé, it filled up my time usefully and helped me realize that this specific field was too boring for me to consider making a career out of it (sorry). I would like to say that I learned a lot from it – but I didn’t. Learning for my last test was a pain, though, because I had already tried and failed at the subject. It’s never easy going in to something like this and trying to be convincing when you know you’ll never work in that field (educational psychology), but it sure doesn’t help to fear failing again and possibly being expelled AT YOUR LAST-EVER EXAM. On the one hand it was more of a formality – it was my last-ever exam, wouldn’t they let me pass, even with a 4.0? – on the other hand: what if I didn’t pass?! Long story short: I passed. Not with flying colors, mind you, but who cared because at that point: I’M DONE! I HAVE A DIPLOMA! I FINISHED MY STUDIES! Woohoo! I had arranged for The BF to come pick me up with cocktails from the exam. The look on the face of the next student was priceless. Still, it was a very weird feeling. I hadn’t been to courses for like two years, but now I was officially done with my studys. I had planned to walk around campus and take pictures of the different important places, but they were setting up for a festival in the main court, so everything was more or less blocked. Later in the summer, when I went to visit my old high-school (talk about a weird feeling!), I decided it was nicer to keep these images in my head and maybe be surprised later than to keep everything on tape. Besides, it already looked nothing like when I started out here in 2003. Six years. Time flies.

[To be continued]

At a loss

Michael Jackson died yesterday. I was up much later than planned and happened to come across a news show that was starting, where they stated that they had just received the message from LA that he had been rushed to the hospital, possibly not breathing or with a heart attack. Then he was allegedly in a coma, then the first sources started saying he had died. I waited up until almost 1 a.m. to hear them confirm it – It was such incredible news, I just couldn’t believe it. This morning it was all over the media of course – the legend, the king of pop, has passed away at 50. I was shocked.

It wasn’t until they interviewed someone my age on the radio that it really hit me. I was born in 1985, so after the big solo-career and Thriller-hype (which is still the best-selling album of all times). My introduction came with Black and White and the album Dangerous. I was hooked – I can’t tell you how much. An old friend from NJ even wrote to me on Facebook to ask if I had heard, because she remembered how I was such a huge fan when we were young. I had all the albums (as tapes – tapes, people, it’s that long ago), videotapes, t-shirts, caps, posters, … a friend even gave me one of those big cloth-posters to hang on my wall as a present. I loved the Jackson 5 in retrospect and collected all his solo work. I watched the videos for hours on end and made my friends sing karaoke to his songs on my birthday. I even forced my big sister to reenact Beat It with me (and got upset when she wasn’t doing it right). She also wrote to me this morning, to say I’ll be the only one who can do it right, now.

After the radio interview with that 23-year-old guy they played They Don’t Care About Us - the first MJ song I had heard in years, a decade at least. And when I realized that I still knew every beat and every word and all the emotions came floating up – that’s when my eyes got teary for the first time. Because that’s when it hit me that he had been such a huge influence in my childhood. I had repressed those years until now, because at some point I grew out of it and then it started to get embarrassing because he was more known for his excentricity and the problems than for his music. But since this morning I have immersed myself in his songs and videos and it all came screaming back to me… and I could kick myself that I didn’t bring those tapes / CDs back with me, because that’s all I wanted to listen to today.

If I ever had an idol, it was him. Not only was he a perfectionist, entertainer, performer, musician but he actually invented dance moves that were then known all over the world. And not only was he an exceptional dancer, the lyrics in his music reminded me of how he was the one who first gave me a sense of belonging to a world community, to feel responsible for people who might be very far away but aren’t that different and who need help, to open my eyes concerning what we were doing to our earth. I think there a more things I identify with today that I owe to this influence than I had realized up until now. And seeing that this is now a closed chapter I have to leave behind makes me very sad. This is a sad day. Rest in peace, Michael Jackson.

On the becoming of a psychologist

College has been for me much like school: long, tedious and to a certain extent unnecessary. Or maybe it’s the bitterness of having dragged out the last two years of it talking. I just watched the latest episode of Grey’s Anatomy, in which a bunch of college kids die on their graduation day. The valedictorian’s speech started with: today is the first day of my life. Because up until then all she had done was learn, and now she was ready to live. I can’t say for my part that all I did was learn, but it sure wasn’t the kind of “living” American kids know as their college years. I have been preparing for the future. And it may have been different – in school or in college – had I met more people who share my world. But I have met the few true friends, and that’s always been enough for me.

I don’t want to put my education down in saying that it was all for nothing – that isn’t true. But it wasn’t until I passed the test in clinical psychology that I really felt a meaning and pride in what I had accomplished. Until then it was just the pressure of cramming stuff in my head and fearing a bad grade. Now, after five and a half years of study, I feel confident in what I know and relaxed in the thoughts about what I can do. The day I never thought would come has passed: I handed in my thesis, officially bound and all, after having worked at it for 1 2/3 years. All I have left is one oral test – more a formality than anything else – and I will be a diplomated psychologist. Talk about being able to exhale, finally! My learning and forming days are far from over, but a chapter of my life is definitely coming to an end.

Just like in the finale of Scrubs (I know, I live through series, I’m sorry), I have decided to not live in the past too long this time, but to look into the future. I’ve had many definite sections in my life and each time I was angry or sad to have to leave something behind. I was so focused on commemorating the ends that I almost missed the beginnings. This time, I’m looking forward and can’t wait to see how my therapist formation will start and I plan to be fully aware of it. I sent in my application today – contract signed and everything! Big step! And since we don’t get a big fancy graduation party, I at least want to celebrate my achievement with a party this Saturday. Let the rejoicing begin!