This title is not only part of a great Smashing Pumpkins song (I can’t get enough of them lately), but also reminds me of the many nightmares I had as a child. I very distinctly remember seeing that fanged head in the dark corner of the ceiling above my bed, and the many times I was chased by one in my dreams. I actually still have nightmares about being chased, followed, persecuted. I don’t know why.
This post – just to warn you – is in a very different tone than the last. And although Jo’s last comment did lift my spirits, I was just before in a mood that sometimes overcomes me and that I felt like writing about. I woke up not feeling very well. Not ill or anything, just one of those rather “down” days. Now there are down days like oh, I’m kinda sluggish today, not very on top of things. Those are the down days I show.
Then there are down days like today, rather bad days, days where I feel crushed for no particular reason whatsoever. Believe me, I try to find the reason, it’s just not there. It’s an impulse to close the window to shield me, not go outside, do not make a move or the world out there WILL SWALLOW ME WHOLE.
In moments like that I just feel like running to The BF, bury myself in his chest, have him hold me very tight so that no harm comes to me. He is that strong. He can hold off anything. The thing is, that he doesn’t know this. Because these are the down days I don’t show, not if I can help it.
I guess I’m sharing this now because I have to force myself to become more openly vulnerable. I’ve always liked to portray a strong image, one of a person who relies on no-one and gets along by herself. I am independent could be my motto. Something that has been encouraged all along by my mother, the root of this problem actually, because she has WORRY written all over her. Inevitably, a part of that has been passed on to me. And I really do try to hold my shit together most of the time, because I don’t want my BF thinking oh my god, I’m with an anxiety-ridden scare-cat. Only parts of that seep through.
And I’m not blaming this all on my mother, I know there are many depths of where this comes from. I just thought I’d be over them by now. For instance, when we moved from the US to France (that was 15 years ago), I was such a confident little kid. Loud, thick-headed, ballsy. Then it all changed. Not at once, it was hard to realise, but slowly creeping from being rejected for some of the things I did or said (I was different) to being a part of my personality, an insecure person.
What really didn’t help was of course when the main stabilising factor in the house was gone – my father. My mom and dad balanced each other out. He was the calm but strong type, just like The BF. You could say that’s why I get the impulse to be protected by The BF, but I’m just not going into that “finding a partner like the missing father” thing. Nuhuh. I just know that it plays a part, a much bigger one than I’d like, because I find myself wondering very often how I would be like had I had the influence of my father all this time. That’s missing. And so I’ve had to figure out a lot of things on my own, not knowing what’s right, just having to rely on my guts. With time I will learn more and more that yes, I can take care of myself, I am a strong person, but it’s ok to rely on someone else from time to time.
BF, I’m really glad I have you, and that you can understand this.