I don’t know what I did to the universe to piss it off, but it seems that today is one of those days where life likes to show you that – what? you think things are going ok? Ha! You are but a mere mortal! I can totally kick your ass. That is why I am feeling a tad bit unsatisfied today.
That test, that thing they make a big deal out of at the university that stressed me out for months and that I thought I nailed last monday and I could finally put behind me? Well turns out, haha, I didn’t. My first goal was just to pass, of course. But then I wrote the damn thing and I thought it went really well, and that’s where my achievement orientation reared it’s ugly head. Because I wanted a good grade. I thought I had put out good stuff, and deserved it. But, turns out, I’m still just mediocre compared to the INSANE PEOPLE I study with. I mean ok, I guess I shouldn’t be mad at them, they can learn by heart real well (or cheat, in the case of my writing neighbours), so hurray for them. But don’t I deserve better? Am I not worth more? Or am I just not smart enough, the part that is really killing me.
I suppose my real worries go to the future, the part where I try to get an apprentice spot or a job, and the guy who will evaluate my diploma will see my grades and go: “Eh, we can do better than that. Plus, she’s only 23. What does she know about life.” But I am better then that, damn you grades! Still, I learned for months, really put effort into it, even though I knew I would have nothing to do with that subject afterwards. And then this comes out? What if I’m just not capable of going above that? So now, of course, I’m even more scared for the tests to come.
And if that weren’t enough, I started surfing around, trying to get my mind on something else, when on a community site I found some pictures of my ex (Hi! If you’re reading this, please stop here) and the girl he left me for (who was also his girlfriend before me, it’s kinda complicated). And now usually she does not look pretty on pictures (which made me feel proud somehow), but here she actually looks hot. And you could think that would help, to know that he left me for someone who could at least look decent from time to time, not a gnome, but it doesn’t. I AM NOT RESENTFUL, I AM JUST IN A BAD MOOD. Now I do not only feel dumb, but I feel mediocre in my looks as well.
Swell day ahead, is all I’m saying. Anybody got tips?
Update: I talked to The BF and as usual he found exactly the right words to say. So I’m cooled off now, and I know I can rely on the fact that at least my private life is a success. I am so thankful I have him. And now: some quality chat time with the girls! With hot cocoa and alcohol – perfect.