This is probably going to come bite me in the ass later in life, but I just spent a week with my family and I need to vent. Since The BF gets it the rest of the time and, dear internet, YOU CAN’T STOP ME, I will relieve myself here. My mom just called to say they got home safely and everything comes screaming back to me. I really wish I had a pen and paper on me at all times to note the gems of sheer incomprehensibly that happens when she’s around, but alas I have not. So this is all from memory, before it gets pushed into subconsciousness by that strange mechanism that tries to keep me sane – repression.
I am duly aware that every normal person, at one time or another, gets annoyed by their parents. My deal is that I never went through puberty. Seriously, there was never a time when I got all rebellious, screamed I hate you and then slammed the door or stormed out only to return in the middle of the night. That’s what my childhood was like. Ok, jokes aside, it did happen that I got angry, slammed a door or two and even tried to run away once – at the end of childhood. But I was never insurgent or typically teenagery, because from the moment my father died (I was 11) our security was gone and my mother became the child my sister and I had to look after. I had this conversation with her (my older sister) while she was here, about how I’m really pissed of at realizing that although our mom taught us to be independent and self-sufficient (by not being there and letting us take care of ourselves), she certainly doesn’t serve as a feminist role-model. She always goes out and does the exact opposite of everything she says. It’s infuriating, especially since I don’t see her behavior ever since I moved out and only get her lip service. My sis was on to this way before I was, so she’s dealt with it by now. I’m still angry.
I get so angry that the moment I know she’s coming, my neck gets all tense. Even now while thinking about it, I can feel the muscle getting all scrunched up. How am I supposed to build a relationship with this person, when I never know where I’m at with her? Being blunt, direct or even honest isn’t an option. My family has as long as I can remember adopted the policy of not talking about things for harmony’s sake. The relationship with my sister has gotten much better since we talk openly about things, tell each other what’s going on and what our opinions are. My mom can’t do that. She’ll either flat out ignore what I’m saying or start bawling and shut down for several days. So when I’m not trying to be honest about what I think of her side of the story, I could always talk openly about myself, right? Wrong. Here again, she might even ask a question about my life, but she won’t listen to the answer. When I start up about something, she turns it into something about her. Even the results of my (slightly unsettling) blood sample that came in the mail yesterday: she stopped me mid-sentence and showed me her blood-type card and then kept on rambling from there.
So when it’s not about someone else and not about her (I don’t ask questions anymore and answer in one-word sentences, otherwise it’ll just upset her), it’s about the surroundings. Then all I hear is complaining. I know that’s what I’m doing right now as well, but this has a purpose. Nagging incessantly doesn’t.
“They should put little traffic lights at the bottom like in France, I can’t drive like this” – “They should forbid dogs from restaurants, it’s so unsanitary” – “They should ban people from smoking anywhere else than in their own apartment, the street is a public place too”.
And that’s not counting the innumerable times she tells me I should do this or that, because apparentlyI’m still three years old and living on my own for 6 years doesn’t count for squat. My seven year old little sister, on the other hand, is supposed to manage everything on her own – as long as it’s done the way our mother wants. Otherwise she has no shame of putting her back in her place, in public, in full volume. Everything must be accompanied by drama.
I could go on, but you probably all think I’m a terrible person by now, so I’m guessing this is enough. I’ll procede to numb myself with series and food now. Good day.